From Conflict to Striving:

How to Get Curious When Tension Arises

Conflict gets a bad name.

We brace for it, avoid it, or try to mediate it away. There are whole industries built on helping us “manage” conflict — to keep the clash from happening.

But what if the problem isn’t the tension itself?
What if the problem is how we see it?

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Strife and Striving

The word conflict comes from the Latin confligere — “to clash.”
The word strife comes from the Old English strīfan — “to strive.”

That difference matters.

When we’re in conflict, it’s easy to see only the clash.
But when we’re in strife, we can see that something deeper is happening — a striving.

Even within ourselves, this shows up:
Part of me wants rest; another part strives to achieve.

Part of me wants the comfort of the couch; another part strives for health in the benefit of the gym.

Part of me wants to save for a rainy day; another part wants a nice pair of shoes.

We call it “inner conflict,” but it’s really inner striving — two truths, both legitimate, negotiating for space and attention.

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The same is true in organizations.

One part of the board wants to explore a merger; another strives to protect independence.

One team wants to co-design a program for inclusivity; another strives for efficiency.​
One leader wants a facilitated strategic plan; another strives to steward resources carefully.

Both are striving for good things — just not always the same good thing.

When we see conflict as mutual striving, curiosity becomes possible. We stop defending our side and start discovering what each side values. And that’s when creative solutions emerge.

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What to Do When You Feel the Clash

Here are a few ways to drop below the surface the next time tension arises in your team, department, or board:

1. Pause before you fix.
   ​Instead of rushing to solve the conflict, ask: What’s each side striving for? What need, value, or fear might be driving this perspective?
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2. Acknowledge both truths.
   ​Most workplace or boardroom conflicts aren’t about right and wrong — they’re about competing goods. Say that out loud. “I can see that we’re both working toward something we care deeply about.”
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3. Name the shared purpose.
   ​Bring the conversation back to the collective mission. What’s the throughline between these different strivings? What’s the “we” beneath the “I”?
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4. Invite everyone to use their words.
   ​My own rule of thumb: everyone gets to speak, and everyone gets heard. Conflict loses its charge when people feel seen.
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5. Stay curious longer.
   ​Curiosity is the bridge between clashing and connection. Don’t rush past it. The solution isn’t always immediate — sometimes, it’s the listening that shifts the room.

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When Boards and Teams Reframe Conflict as Striving

At CoSpire, we see it all the time:

Boards that once avoided hard conversations start having them with grace.
Staff teams that used to shut down disagreement begin to use it as a learning tool.

Because once you see tension as a sign of care — not crisis — it changes everything.

Conflict isn’t the opposite of harmony.
It’s often the beginning of understanding.

So the next time your group finds itself at odds, pause and ask:
​What’s the striving underneath this?

That question might just change the conversation — and the outcome.